| "GARRISON KEILLOR ON EPISCOPALIANS"
Mar 3, 2007
We make fun of Episcopalians for their blandness,
their excessive calm,
their fear of giving offense, their lack of speed and also for
their secret
fondness for macaroni and cheese. But nobody sings like them.
If you were to
ask an audience in Des Moines, a relatively Episcopalianless
place, to sing
along on the chorus of "Michael Row the Boat Ashore,"
they will look daggers
at you as if you had asked them to strip to their underwear.
But if you do
this among Episcopalians, they'd smile and row that boat ashore
and up on
the beach! ....And down the road!
Many Episcopalians are bred from childhood to sing in four-part
harmony, a
talent that comes from sitting on the lap of someone singing
alto or tenor
or bass and hearing the harmonic intervals by putting your little
head
against that person's rib cage. It's natural for Episcopalians
to sing in
harmony. We are too modest to be soloists, too worldly to sing
in unison.
When you're singing in the key of C and you slide into the A7th
and D7th
chords, all two hundred of you, it's an emotionally fulfilling
moment. By
our joining in harmony, we somehow promise that we will not
forsake each
other.
I do believe this, people: Episcopalians, who love to sing
in four-part
harmony are the sort of people you could call up when you're
in deep
distress. If you are dying, they will comfort you. If you are
lonely,
they'll talk to you. And if you are hungry, they'll give you
tuna salad!
Episcopalians believe in prayer, but would practically die
if asked to pray
out loud. Episcopalians like to sing, except when confronted
with a new hymn
or a hymn with more than four stanzas.
Episcopalians believe their Rectors will visit them in the
hospital, even if
they don't notify them that they are there. Episcopalians usually
follow the
official liturgy and will feel it is their way of suffering
for their sins.
Episcopalians believe in miracles and even expect miracles,
especially
during their stewardship visitation programs or when passing
the plate.
Episcopalians feel that applauding for their children's choirs
will not make
the kids too proud and conceited.
Episcopalians think that the Bible forbids them from crossing
the aisle
while passing the peace.
Episcopalians drink coffee as if it were the Third Sacrament.
Episcopalians feel guilty for not staying to clean up after
their own
wedding reception in the Fellowship Hall.
Episcopalians are willing to pay up to one dollar for a meal
at church.
Episcopalians still serve Jell-O in the proper liturgical color
of the
season and Episcopalians believe that it is OK to poke fun at
themselves and
never take themselves too seriously.
And finally, you know you are a Episcopalian when:
-It's 100 degrees, with 90% humidity, and you still have coffee
after the
service.
-You hear something really funny during the sermon and smile
as loudly as
you can.
-Donuts are a line item in the church budget, just like coffee.
- When you watch a Star Wars movie and they say, "May
the Force be with
you," and you respond, "and also with you."
- And lastly, it takes ten minutes to say good-bye . . .
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